


Maybe In Another Lifetime

by asimaiyat



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: AU, Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-06
Updated: 2012-12-06
Packaged: 2017-11-20 11:57:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/585168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asimaiyat/pseuds/asimaiyat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five AUs where Kirk and McCoy never got it on, and one where they eventually did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Buddy Cop AU

**Author's Note:**

> From the 2009 Kink Meme. Prompt: "I want more AUs! Kirk/McCoy, please."

"Dammit, Jim, you can't just go running in guns blazing all the time. One of these days you're going to meet a perp you can't outrun or outshoot."

"Hasn't happened yet, has it? Anyway, I can exercise caution when I want to. It's not my fault we keep getting all the bad calls."

"Well, it certainly isn't my fault. All I want is nothing but jaywalkers and loud-music complaints from now until the day I retire; is that so much to ask?"

"Hey, no fair! With that kind of luck I'll never make detective bureau!"

"Get your head out of the clouds, kid. You're too damn young for the bureau."

"I think you'll find you meant 'too damn pretty.'"

"Dammit, Jim, I'm your partner, not the president of your fan club."


	2. College AU

"Dammit, Jim, did you have to sexile me again?"

"You know, Bones, it doesn't count as sexile if you have a standing invitation to join in."

"How very considerate of you. It's not like I ever have any work to do, or anything. Not all of us can just breeze through an exam after spending Dead Week trying to set a new house record for flaming shots."

"I would have done it, too, if it wasn't for what's-her-name, the linguistics major. Ugh, my head. Remind me why we decided to pledge to a coed fraternity?"

"Oh, I dunno, maybe because Jim Kirk couldn't bear to be away from the company of the fairer sex?"

"I don't know about that... I think with the right offer, I could be persuaded to do without."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothin'. I think I'm still drunk from last night. You got any advil?"

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a pre-med, not your pharmacist."


	3. Dungeons & Dragons AU

"Dammit, Jim, you're supposed to drink the healing potion, not spit it back in my face! At this rate you'll be lucky to last until the next fight, let alone finish the mission!"

"But it tastes like goblin cum!"

"Don't mind me, I'm just going to be over here trying not to think about how you know that. Now would you just sit down and rest for a minute? It's bad enough that you're out a perfectly good dwarven mail shirt, but if you keep moving around we're going to be without our paladin for the rest of the day, too."

"I'm fine. It looks worse than it is, okay? Stupid kobolds and their stupid sling-shots..."

"You should have stayed back and let Spock try one of his spells on them before you pulled out the greatsword."

"And let him leave himself open to attacks? No thanks. I'm the one in the big clunky armor; I'll take the hits. Besides, how else am I going to impress you with my heroic exploits? Hey, let me up!"

"No such luck. I think you've got enough scraps of shirt here to make a tourniquet... we'll just need to stay the night here and try to make good time tomorrow. Here, take my amulet; something tells me you're going to need it more than I will."

"Aw, I'm touched. But really, I feel better now. Whatever you did, it really worked! I feel ready to go kick some Ice Dragon ass now!"

"Nice try, but I'm not falling for it. By the gods, Jim, I'm a cleric, not a miracle worker."


	4. Steampunk AU

"Consarnit, Jim, the engine ain't going to take any more pressure! You're gonna blow the whole damn airship apart!"

"She can take it, Bones! She's the best damn ship in Her Majesty's fleet, and she is emphatically not going to let some upstart glider pirates outrun her!"

"Of course, damn silly of me to suggest lettin' 'em go, just on account of they're lighter than us, they outnumber us, and they've got the wind on their side. It's my fault, really; even having just arrived from old Texas, I knew of yer reputation when I joined up with y'all."

"You mean my reputation as a bounder, fly-by-night and all-around scoundrel? Or my reputation as the favorite youthful indiscretion of ladies -- and some say gentlemen -- throughout the glorious empire?"

"I was thinking of the one that says you don't give up even when you're outgunned, outdrawn and outnumbered, even when conventional wisdom would say that any sane man ought to find himself a white flag and run for the hills. But I'll cop to having heard tell of some'a those other rumors, and I cain't say as you haven't lived up to all of em."

"I had suspected as much. Bones, you are a credit to this crew, but I'm afraid I can't give any credit to your excessive caution in advising me, as it is clearly based in personal bias. As much as I appreciate your concern for my physical well-being, and I assure you, I do."

"Personal bias what now?"

"Well. Obviously you're in love with me. But we shall discuss that later -- right now I need your help to fan the bellows and keep our dear girl in the air."

"Dammit, Jim, I'm just a cowboy doctor, not a zeppelin mechanic!"


	5. Political AU

"Dammit, Jim, you can't just go of the teleprompter at a nationally televised press conference! You've just lost yourself some major campaign sponsors, and Fox News is going to be crying for your head on a platter."

"Aw, Fox News can go soak their heads. They let an eight-year-old with a deadly disease ask a question about health care, and I'm supposed to give them some kind of cover-your-ass BS about letting the insurance companies decide? What's the point of running for president if you can't tell anyone what you're going to do?"

"I never said your heart was in the wrong place, but you've got a knack for having noble impulses at the most inopportune possible moments. You just let a greased pig loose in this campaign, and you're counting on the national council to run catch it. What good's your famous crossover appeal if you alienate your own party?"

"I'm not alienating the party. I'm alienating big pharma and the HMOs. People want to take that personally, that's their business. I don't have to listen to them."

"You really don't know the rules here, do you? The charismatic war hero thing will only take you so far if you don't learn how to play the game."

"Really, McCoy? You think all I've got going for me is charisma?"

"No, I just... aw, Jim. I shouldn't have said that. I just feel bad about this whole clusterfuck, because, you know, I know why you did it."

"You think I'm just pushing health care because of you and your father and everything, don't you? I guess you're half right. If it weren't for you, I'd probably be playing this a lot safer, just for the glory. But you taught me to really care, not to just show off for the sake of showing off. You're the one who showed me how much this country really needs a change, not just because it's something big and impressive to put my name on. And I've got to win, if nothing else because you've got to be HHS secretary, so if the party and the sponsors and the media don't like it, they can go campaign for someone else."

"You know how much that means to me, Jim, but it just doesn't work that way."

"Yeah, but if anyone can make it work that way, it's you and me. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go face the nation. Again."

"Dammit, Jim, stop making me feel all sentimental. This is the presidency, not the World Series."


	6. NFL AU

"Dammit, Jim, that was the most beautiful touchdown pass I've ever seen. Can't believe after all these years I'm finally going to the Superbowl."

"Just doin' my job. Wouldn't have pulled it off if you hadn't made us drill that play about seven million times on buy week."

"I had to keep you busy or you would have spent the whole time making tabloid headlines with supermodels."

"Hey, be fair. When have I ever missed practice for a supermodel? Um, not counting Wednesdays or away games in Miami."

"I am being fair. The infuriating thing is, you never show it. I'll never figure out how you can just breeze in here hungover and covered in love bites and pull off that crazy footwork thing you do every damn time."

"I guess I'm just a superhero. But you're going to have to explain how it's 'infuriating' that I just led your doubting Thomas ass to the damn Superbowl."

"Aw, kid. I'm not complaining about you winning. Wouldn't mind if you kept that streak up for at least one more game. I just worry sometimes that you don't have the same motivation to take care of yourself that most players do. Your stats might not suffer, but I don't want you to suffer, either."

"Don't worry about me, Coach. I can take care of myself. I've had to for long enough."

"I know you can... all I'm saying is, maybe you don't have to anymore. Maybe someone else would like a shot at that position."

"You mean... really? You and me? Isn't that kind of unprofessional?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear those words coming from the mouth of the man who did a Playboy photoshoot modeling thowback uniforms with various porn stars. And sent me an autographed copy."

"Well, yeah, that's me, but I always thought you were above all that kind of crap. You're all dignified and stuff."

"That's why I need somebody to keep my life interesting. What do you say? It's going to be a long off-season, and you know they say it's lonely at the top."

"Why wait until the off-season? I can't help noticing that we've got the whole locker room to ourselves, and that crazy new Russian receiver oughtta be keeping the press busy... and amazingly enough I've never actually had sex in a locker room before."

"Well, I guess... hey! Cut it out! Dammit, Jim, I'm a coach, not a tight end!"


End file.
